Be a massive martyr
Did you set the table? Peel the potatoes? Feed your baby at the same time? Whatever happens, make sure everybody knows about it. Huff and puff a lot. Mutter things under your breath. And do NOT, under any circumstances, allow anyone to help you. Later, when everything has been done, allude to the fact that you’re exhausted and could have done with some help.
Get drunk before midday
A glass of chilled Champagne with your smoked salmon and scrambled eggs seems like a jolly good idea, doesn’t it? Very festive. But who wants one glass of champagne? Make a proper go of it. Start with a few glasses. Perhaps have a break for a coffee. But then open a bottle of Gavi at around 11am, when the Champagne has run out and you’ve got a raging thirst on. This should ensure you are suitably snipey and lightheaded by the time you sit down for Christmas dinner. You will also have lost your appetite entirely.
Get norovirus
To pull this off, you need to organise some sort of boozy friends get-together on the 23rd at which you’ll all reminisce about the good old days by ordering shots and taking up smoking again for the night. The next day your immune system will be so shot that you’ll pick up whichever bug happens to be doing the rounds and spend Christmas Day throwing up. Ho ho ho.
Be a bad sport
There is nothing trivial about Trivial Pursuit. Ensure you stick firmly to the rules, humiliate people for giving the wrong answers and be an absolute stickler for detail. The Wizard of Oz, not Wizard of Oz! It’s only fair.
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