Flying the nest, overcoming overwhelm and talking home comforts with Francesca Specter

Welcome to issue 13 of Nesting

I have a confession to make: I flew the nest. I essentially cheated on this newsletter and its devotion to all things ‘home’ and escaped to Mallorca. Three weeks ago, my brain was mush. I was stressed out, worn out and wired. I’d been all of those things before – haven’t we all? – but never all at once, with sleep deprivation and a six-month old baby to boot.

In early June, I had reached what was surely the most productive peak of my life. Deadlines were met, features were written, babies were fed, dogs were walked. I was multi-tasking with the best of them – and at times, I felt like a super hero. A really smug one. People would say, ‘I don’t know how you’re doing this!’ and I would reply, ‘ME NEITHER!’ feeling an enormous, imaginary pat on my back.

But the body knows best, and after half a year of this slightly crazed behaviour – it was telling me to stop. My brain had become incapable of thinking one thought at a time and my heart was beating too quickly for me to sleep. Yes, I was flying high – but I was beginning to lose control. When I realised all I had eaten one day was an enormous bar of Dairy Milk and a Babybel, I decided it was time for a reset.

Going on holiday recharged and rested me as I had hoped it would – but it also gave me the clarity of mind to realise that I didn’t need two weeks in the sun; I needed to change my mindset and take it home with me as a souvenir. Somewhere in all the busyness, I had moved my own needs to the bottom of my to-do list. In fact, I’d erased them altogether. And while it is fun being a martyr for a bit, it’s gets pretty draining, pretty quickly. For me, and for everyone else.

I am a far nicer person, and ironically, a more productive one, when I treat myself as I might a valued friend. When I give myself the time of day. It’s not even that hard. In fact, often, it’s more of a choice than I might once have realised. Now, if a spare window of time appears in my day, I am trying not to rush to fill it. I am seeing it for what it is – or at least what it should be – a SPARE window of time – in which I might go for a quiet coffee or paint my nails.

Speaking of which, that Essie coral would look lovely with a tan. Must be off.

---

HOME COMFORTS WITH… FRANCESCA SPECTER

Francesca coined and trademarked the word ‘Alonement’ (also the title of her book) when she realised that there weren’t any positive words to describe the state of being alone. As she explains, “If loneliness is one end of the spectrum, alonement is the other.” Her podcast of the same name is also brilliant – the episode with Alain de Botton is a great place to start. Sign up to her newsletter here.

How would you describe your home in three words?

I live in Chalk Farm, north London – and I’d describe my flat as snug, calming and eclectic. 

Who is at home with you?

I live alone (very on brand!) surrounded by around two dozen pot plants of various sizes and stages of alive-ness. 

Current Netflix/Amazon obsession?

The Office US has been a mainstay over the past year. I’m self-employed now but worked in an office in the past – and it reminds me of the beauty of the slightly ironic office ‘family’, where you find yourself intimately acquainted with a group of people of all different ages, life stages, backgrounds and personality types you might never have met socially. 

Best home comfort meal? 

It’s a cliché, but a good one: I love a gigantic jacket potato with tuna (plus heaps of spring onion, and a big salad on the side). My best friend and I also enjoy meeting up to cook a big tofu stir fry together as a wholesome midweek meal.

Best section of the Sunday papers?

Sunday Times Style. I enjoy it all – the zeitgeist-y style thermometer keeping me abreast of current trends, Dolly Alderton’s advice column and India Knight’s authoritative beauty advice.

Book currently on your bedside table?

My journal is a mainstay on my bedside table. I’ve also been reading Kate Murphy’s wonderful book, You’re Not Listening, Toni Morrison’s Jazz, Emma Gannon’s Olive and Meg Mason’s, Sorrow and Bliss.

Background noise in your house?

I love playing church hymns first thing (I’m secular Jewish, but they remind me of secondary school assemblies, which has a strangely calming effect). During the working week, I’ll play Lo-Fi music – which is brilliant for concentrating – and on Sundays it’s Classic FM. 

Bath or shower?

Shower, always – I don’t really ‘get’ baths – it feels like you’re making yourself into human stew…! I have a great rainfall shower head though – I’ll use a sulphate-free Kiehl's Sunflower Colour-Preserving shampoo followed by VitaCoco’s repairing coconut conditioner. I also use a vetiver root and green tea body wash from Greek brand Korres, which smells deliciously musky.

Favourite house scent?

Nothing beats the smell of cooking, for me – onions, chilli and garlic frying in a pan signals the end of the working day, and the meditative, creative process of cooking (likely, a simple Italian-style pasta dish like spaghetti vongole). I’m really bad at turning my extractor fan on (even though it’s necessary in a small flat), because I just love those lingering cooking smells.

My garden is….

Non-existent – but I live a 15-minute walk away from Primrose Hill and walk there most days. 

How well do you know your next door neighbours?

I have a fabulous couple living downstairs from me – an auctioneer and a retired ballerina. They’re 40 years my senior, and we’re still only at the ‘exchanging pleasantries’ stage, but I dream one day we’ll be best friends. 

Your favourite home from home?

My best friend is an architect, and she’s renting the bachelorette studio flat of dreams in Euston – she’s forever adding amazing bold, colourful pieces to it, and it’s a feast for the eyes whenever I go (and for the stomach – she does the most amazing Chinese home-cooking). We even have a bus route that goes directly from outside my door to hers – heaven.

‘Alonement: How to be alone and absolutely own it’ is available to buy here.

---

READING STUFF

Pandora Sykes - How do we know we’re doing it right?

I’ve missed Pandora Sykes since her podcast The High Low, came to a close, so when my friend got me this for my birthday, I powered through it. The book is a collection of essays, looking at some of the messy chaos of modern life. I particularly loved her bit on opinions (and why we shouldn’t always feel we have to have one) – and the chapter on our weird – and largely unhealthy – obsession with all things ‘wellness.’

___

Andre Agassi - Open

I know, I know. This is by no means a new book, BUT it is one of my all time favourite autobiographies and because I couldn’t get to Wimbledon this year, I decided to dig it out and read it again. I honestly think that even if you don’t like tennis, you’ll still enjoy this, as it’s just a really gripping (and well-written) tale of a life less ordinary. Also… who wouldn’t want this face sitting on their bookshelf?

---

TV STUFF

Feel Good

The first series of this was on Channel 4, but for some strange reason they didn’t pick up the second season. Thankfully, Netflix saw sense, as this show – the semi-autobiographical story of Canadian comedian Mae Martin and her girlfriend, George – is as brilliant as ever. Lisa Kudrow as Mae’s caustic mother is a real treat.

---

PODCAST STUFF

How to Fail

I’m a long-time fan of this podcast by journalist Elizabeth Day and – hurrah! – the bonus episode this season is with Dolly Alderton. Dolly is so eloquent that often it feels like an education just listening to her having a seemingly lighthearted chat. She talks about why she left social media, why she hates baking and about the weird disconnect she felt when she became successful.

---

SCROLLING STUFF

• Something I wrote about being a solo mum for The Telegraph.

• What your man’s favourite Spice Girl says about him. In case you were wondering.

• Why we shouldn’t depend on anyone else’s approval when it comes to our appearance, for The New York Times.

• Caroline O’Donoghue for The Irish Examiner on bad work places.

• Terri White on why being an older mum is pretty good, actually.

• Grazia’s round-up on which Love Island couples from the last series are still together. I can almost guarantee that this will be the most clicked link of the entire newsletter.

See you next time!

Dx

---

Who on earth is Dominique Afacan?

A very good question. Dominique (that’s me) is a writer, sausage dog owner, and solo mum, based in London. The idea for the Nesting newsletter came about because after ten years as a travel journalist, I wanted to share my new-found excitement about hanging out at home. I am also the author of Bolder – Life lessons from people older and wiser than you – a great birthday present, if I don’t say so myself – and available to buy here. You can follow me on Instagram here or Twitter here. 

P.S The illustration for Nesting was created by my exceptionally talented friend Julia Murray in New Zealand.