Is three babies too many?
For a solo mum...
When I was pregnant with my second child and told my parents I was having another boy, my Dad’s face turned ashen. He looked to my mother and said solemnly, ‘she will have another,’ as though he had become a prophet.
Fine, I’d wanted a girl and so I can see why he’d think that. In fact, the first word I said when I found out I was having a boy was ‘bollocks’ (this, after five failed embryo transfers) but that faded pretty quickly and now I can see that I’m perfectly suited to being a boy mum. I can’t be arsed with ballet and my life choices definitely do not align with that of a Disney Princess.
But recently, I’ve felt a powerful longing for another baby. Like, way stronger than any longing I had for my first two. Why?? I am exhausted. Literally, I’m ruined. I’m 44 with a four year-old and a one year-old and I feel it in every aching bone of my broken body. Financially, I am in the red. Or is it the black? Can’t remember, too tired. But I’m broke. Another baby, especially since I’m a solo parent, would be insanity - and I can’t find one person who disagrees with me on that.
So I don’t know what’s going on. Is it just my biological clock closing in on me? I don’t think so, because mine is currently in a freezer charging me for storage. Quite possibly, it’s just because, like a lucky dip or a bag of pick and mix, I want to see which one I get next. It’s not the most responsible reason to want another child, but that doesn’t stop it being true.
I think there might be something bigger at play, though. Maybe it’s not about the baby and it’s actually about purpose. Because, when you’re pregnant, you are brimming with it. Even when you’re lying on the sofa like a whale watching Loose Women, you are carrying a child. You are constantly doing something, even in your sleep. And there is something to be said for that. I interviewed Eve Branson once and she said she was happiest when she was being constructive. I feel like that. There is sanctity to be found in creating things, even passively.
Because once you’ve done the pregnancies and the newborns, you suddenly have a bit of time again. And then what? Where once there was marriage and babies (one out of two ain’t bad), now there’s just uncertainty and a feeling that something terrible is about to happen (hello perimenopause). A third baby would give me something solid to focus on, a nine month diversion tactic to swerve my intrusive thoughts of nuclear armageddon and death.
I don’t think my Dad has stopped worrying. “Sold the Moses basket now then, have you?” he’ll ask faux casually when he comes to visit, looking around to make sure that all newborn paraphernalia has left the building. “Nice to have all that loft space clear again, isn’t it!” He needn’t worry. I could never give in to my desires, because I know it wouldn’t make any sense. Instead, I’ll make do with being constructive in other, more appropriate ways – starting right here, with this newsletter. See you next week!
HOME COMFORTS WITH… MARISA BATE
You’ve almost certainly read Marisa’s writing in The Guardian or The Times. She’s a women’s rights advocate too, with a Substack newsletter I love, called Writing about Women. For this issue, we headed to Somerset to find out all about her home comforts.
Where do you live and how would you describe your home in three words?
On a hill in a small town in Somerset. My house in three words: really great views.
Who is at home with you?
My partner, Ed and our son, Aubrey. We still talk about Bear, the rescue cat we nearly adopted.
Current Netflix/Amazon obsession?
I haven’t found any truly brilliant TV in a while but I did watch American Fiction recently and it blew me away - so smart, funny, beautifully shot and very poignant at times. Quietly brilliant, which is my favourite kind of brilliance.
Best home comfort meal?
Ed is a terrific cook. Often on a Sunday evening, he’ll do a ‘rice dish’ which is baked rice with either chorizo, chicken or fish and any veg we have in the fridge. It’s quite simple, and he can pretty much do it with his eyes closed now but it’s come to mean cosy early evenings, a calmness and togetherness, a certain type of peace - one I’m craving more and more.
The best section of the Sunday papers?
I’ve given up on the Sunday papers since I had my son and catch up with reading online in the week when he’s in nursery. But if I do buy a paper, it’s always the FT. I love that it’s for both days so the pressure is off to read it too quickly. I think the quality of its features writing is completely unmatched (in this country). I also love the arts and the homes pages, as well as the Lunch with the FT interview slot. I also really appreciate the book reviews.
Book currently on your bedside table?
Same as it ever was by Claire Lombardo.
Background noise in your house?
It’s blissfully quiet where we are. I put Radio 4 on every time I’m in the kitchen during the day which is often competing with the sound of the Octonaughts or Paddington or Moana coming from the TV. In the evening, I’ll listen to a podcast if I’m making dinner - nearly always anything to do with US politics. Typically, Sunday mornings are for not getting dressed and playing music loudly that fills the house.
Bath or shower?
Pre-motherhood, baths were a very big part of my life. Now, I can’t remember the last time I had one. Having a baby introduced me to the idea of how important showers can be - the one time of the day just for you and how it really is worth having nice products for that time. For me, that means anything by Bamford. I’m obsessed.
Favourite house scent?
Anything Ed is cooking, the smell of the jasmine during summer evenings creeping up from the wall in the garden and in through the window
My garden is…. A work in progress. I eternally wish I was more green-fingered. If I do anything in the garden, I feel amazing afterwards. I just seem to lack the confidence and motivation - the story of my life…
How well do you know your next door neighbours?
The couple next door but one are wonderful. They left a food parcel on our door when we came from the hospital with my son. Susie once removed a bird trapped in our living room when I was, rather pathetically, too scared. We go round to each other’s houses for wine and their teen daughters babysit our son. They are honest, funny, healthily cynical, and exceptionally good people. We’re very lucky.
Your favourite home from home? This is probably going to sound very pretentious and cliched but London and New York. The minute I’m in either of those cities something clicks and I feel like myself in my bones.
Read Marisa Bate’s Substack newsletter here.
PODCAST STUFF
Lucky Boy
This is such an interesting (if disturbing), listen, about a London schoolboy, Gareth, who had a secret relationship with his teacher. He was 14 at the time, and she was 27. Gareth is now in his 40s and no longer thinks of himself as a ‘Lucky Boy’ as he did back then and instead considers himself as a victim of grooming, something some of his old school friends (bizarrely) are reluctant to agree with.
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Chelsea Handler interviewing Celeste Barber
God, I love Celeste Barber. If you’ve been living under a rock, she is the queen of Australian comedy and her best work is on Instagram, where she does brilliant parodies of models and celebrities being ridiculous. She’s actually coming on tour here in April, which I didn't realise until just now. Hooray!
Ok, that’s it for this week. I need a lie down. As always, if you enjoyed this newsletter, give it a like or share it with someone who you think might enjoy it too. Happy Tuesday and I’ll see you next week!
Dx
P.S
👗 I am just going to whisper it, because my M&S obsession is getting a bit much. But I bought this dress and it’s so comfy and it has pockets.
💊 Anyone else with the crippling anxiety? I read this on Esther Coren’s newsletter and immediately ordered these. I’ll get back to you.
👶 This blew my mind, about a theoretical conversation between two twins in the womb.
Who is Dominique Afacan?
A very good question. Dominique (that’s me) is a writer and solo mum of two, based in London. The idea for the Nesting newsletter came about because after ten years of flitting around the world as a travel journalist, I wanted to share my new-found excitement about hanging out at home. I am also the author of Bolder – Life lessons from people older and wiser than you – a great birthday present, if I don’t say so myself – and available to buy here.
Having three is really hard when you do have a partner, don't know how I'd cope personally doing it solo (unless you have an excellent support system in other ways? In which case what if the next ones a girl!? 😉)
I still have wistful dreams of being pregnant, sometimes, Dominique – and I'm 64! There's 15 years between my triplets and my son, so I did give in to the urge way back when (he was born when I was 41). I'm not a single parent, though, and I'm under no illusions; that must be tough.
I am so enjoying having energy for other creative pursuits now.