Well, I had an exciting week last week. I flew to Monaco on a private jet! Get me. I was invited on a press trip with VistaJet and in some random act of childcare generosity, my parents decided to babysit for me so that I could go. Here’s what I learned about flying private.
It’s very difficult not to become an Instagram dick. I could not stop taking photos and had to really resist the urge to spin around on the steps and wave as though I was Kim Kardashian. Ditto sprawling myself across the double bed in the back and demanding to be ‘papped.’ Oh dear.
Not all jets are created equal. Who knew? It’s even possible to have an inferiority complex when you’re a billionaire. Thankfully, I was flying on the Global 7500 - which is the world’s biggest purpose-built business jet and can fly up to 17 hours non-stop. So there.
You will become a cliché of a billionaire… You will drink champagne, eat caviar and blast Fergie’s Glamorous via the Bluetooth speakers as you take-off. You will wear your sunglasses inside. It all happens terrifyingly quickly.
…But it will be obvious you aren’t one. You’re way too excited, even about the loo and the on-board shower. You will spill your champagne as you take off, even though you’ve been told to hold onto your glass. And when the contents of your handbag also spill out into the aisle, they include a nappy and a bag of Scampi Fries.
You’ll literally be high flying. We flew about 10,000 feet above commercial aircraft (literally looking down on them) which apparently means less turbulence and less air traffic. I would add a general feeling of superiority.
You won’t feel fuzzy when you get off. Well, that depends on how much champagne you’ve had. But in theory, commercial aircraft pressurise their cabins to about 8000 feet above sea level, while private jets are pressurised to about 4000 feet. I don’t understand what any of that means but apparently it equates to better oxygen absorption and less cardiovascular stress during the flight.
The view is better. Maybe it was just me but I am sure the windows are bigger on a private jet - or were they just cleaner? I don’t know, but even the clouds looked better through my new billionaire eyes.
You can take your pet. Apparently there’s a parrot (yes, a parrot) called Carlos who is a frequent flier at VistaJet. Next time (ha!) I’ll take Coco, my sausage dog. I reckon she’d be a natural.
HOME COMFORTS WITH… JENNIFER MCSHANE
Jennifer McShane is the lovely journalist who interviewed me about being an older mum for Yahoo. If you didn’t see the piece you can find it here. I was especially keen to feature her – not only because we connected instantly, but also because she lives with cerebral palsy, which brings its own unique challenges to her home life. I’ll let her share more in her own words!
Where do you live and how long have you lived there for?
I’ve lived in South London since the end of 2019. I moved over from Ireland and was excited for a new start in a city I’d always loved – then, a few months later, the pandemic hit! I spent two years going back and forth between lockdowns (as I have Cerebral Palsy (CP), I was high-risk, so had to cocoon back in Ireland). I didn’t really feel I started having a proper go of it until September 2021, when I could finally stay put.
At the time of the pandemic, I was 31, almost 32, and it felt like the world had ended; I didn’t know whether to stay or go. It was my dad who encouraged me to stay put – he said if I moved back home, I’d never make the move again, and that scared me into getting roots in London. It’s probably one of the best things I’ve ever done.
How did you find your home?
It was tiring! I had three must-haves when it came to finding a flat to rent: It had to be on the ground floor, it needed a shower, not a bath (I can’t physically have a bath without someone else there) and it needed to be close enough to central.
My poor mam and sister traipsed around London with me for three full days to find the flat – but the last one we saw had everything on the list. The landlords allowed me to put up grab-rails which was essential and I’ve had no slips yet. I tripped on a mat in the shower room the first week I moved, however, and needed several stitches (most on the inside of my nose) and I’ll never forget the pain of the injections and the panicked trip to A&E when I hadn’t a clue of my surroundings.
Who is at home with you?
Just me and a lot of books and films (with Jellycats and a Labubu or two scattered around, I’m obsessed with cutifying my space lately). I tried twice to have a cat but the space is just too small for a pet (and looking after one with a physical disability is so much harder than I first imagined!)
Your favourite thing about the house and your biggest niggle about it!
It’s cosy! The small space means it never feels too lonely living alone but my gripe is that there’s absolutely no storage. The wardrobe is in the living area as it won’t fit in the bedroom. And because the kitchen is in the living area everything else gets stacked (AKA thrown in) the bedroom. I have to do a serious clearout! The place was marketed as a one-bed but I actually think it’s a slightly-bigger-than-average studio with the extorionate rental price of a one-bed!
Where did you grow up? Did anything about your childhood home inspire your current home?
I grew up in Dublin, Ireland. I love where I’m from. My family home is still there and that longing to be cosy and secure inspired my current home. My earliest memories are films in the background and the Pulp Fiction soundtrack blasting from our CD stereo (remember them?!) up to my bedroom (every Saturday, dad!). And every film I loved then, I still watch now, and I still play the soundtracks.
I was cocooned at home and wanted for nothing – even with the difficulties of the CP. My parents deserve a medal for all they’ve done and given for me to live a life of independence and I miss them, and my family, every single day, despite the move for a better quality of life.
What’s your current TV obsession?
I have two at this moment in time: House of Guinness (for the beautiful Anthony Boyle and his moustache – he takes up every inch of the screen with his charisma) because I’m always drawn to anything with an Irish setting. And Slow Horses (Jack Lowden and Gary Oldman (yes, still) are just perfect.
Book currently on your bedside table?
Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. I adore anything related to the brilliant movie – including the much-underrated Kenneth Branagh version (though not perfect, it still holds up and remains one of the most faithful adaptations of Shelley’s work). I can’t wait for Guillermo del Toro’s version and am re-reading in anticipation. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s upcoming The Bride (yep, Frankenstein’s doomed love) starring Jessie Buckley also looks fascinating. It’s a good time for Frankenstein fans!
My garden is….
Not my own, but full of flowers I am lucky enough to have as my view every day. I’m Irish; I need some greenery around me.
Have you ever lived elsewhere in the world - what was the most memorable thing about your home there?
We moved to Tokyo when I was… 10 I think? We only stayed about a year but I remember my school (the principle was Irish), the food, the house, and trying squid! I was too young to truly appreciate it and I’d love to go back as an adult.
TV STUFF
Wayward, Netflix
Oh, how I love both Toni Collette and Mae Martin. This show centres around the Tall Pines Academy - a centre for troubled teens, led by the terrifying Evelyn (Collette). Some very weird shit goes down and it all gets a bit sinister, in a horribly gripping way. I watched it all in one sitting and you probably will, too.
I’ll leave you with that - and see you next week!
P.S
👂Naturally, I’ll be listening to this. I met Spencer Matthews once, back in his drinking era. Asked him for a cigarette. He said no.
🎿 Why is this jumper appealing to me? And this one?
🐶It’s Chelsea Dog Day on Saturday. Yup, you read that right. There will be dog yoga, dog tarot (!!!!), pup pawtraits and God knows what else. I’ll see you there!
God you are so funny!