What to buy now that it's brrrr

Raincoats, wellies, umbrellas and more – plus, another solo mum interview!

Blunt umbrellas

It’s getting a bit chilly, isn’t it? Have you already bought your rain boots? If not, get these, they will change your life.

If you’re an umbrella person, which I am not, then this is the Apple of umbrellas. To me, it’s just £85 waiting to be left on a bus.

And then get these from Adidas or this knock-off version from M&S, because we all need a bit of a comfy waistband at the moment and at least you’ll still look like you vaguely care.

I got hailed on at the Barnes Food Fair over the weekend and found out that my waterproof jacket is… not. “There’s a difference between water resistant and waterproof” said my friend, bone-dry in her Rains. Time for a new one. Is it weird that I want something in bright yellow? Apparently Prada sent one down the catwalk, so maybe it’s ok.

The other thing I have restarted this week is baths, specifically with magnesium salts. Any old brand will do, but these have lavender in which is nice. I asked for some for my birthday and was accused of being an old granny, but they work miracles on aching muscles and make me sleep better.

If you have a book to read while you’re in there, all the better. I’m reading and thoroughly enjoying Justine Picardie’s If the Spirit Moves You - the first book I’ve read in absolutely ages.

It’s TV season, too, isn’t it? I’m hooked on Stranded on Honeymoon Island - can you just watch it and then talk to me about the greatness of Mae, please? Also looking forward to this batshit-sounding The Girlfriend on Prime when I can summon the emotional energy.

Other than that, I recommend whacking on the heating and pretending it’s still summer. One of the joys of living alone (well, without any other adults at least) is the ability to live in a year-round sauna without judgement.

---

Nesting: The Solo Mums

Next up in my new series on solo motherhood is the marvellous Anita Prabhu. She lives in Greenwich with her son Harry (and her miniature schnauzer Atticus) and is the author of the gorgeous children’s book, If You Were Not You.

Anita and Harry

At what age did you make the decision to become a solo mum?
By 39 I had given up on relationships and had had enough of Bumble/ Match and even e-Harmony to last a lifetime. I was also well aware that I must have been exuding I WANT A BABY VIBES from the get go which would have been more than a little off putting to the poor blokes equally as disappointed on those dates.

I had had three big relationships by that point and at times I felt like I loved all of them but loving someone isn’t enough to think they would make a great Dad.

For the last decade I had been filling my life with all of the things that you would probably find more difficult to do if you had kids: I was part of a specialist British earthquake search and rescue team/ rode motorbikes / had helicopter lessons/ ran a marathon/ drove a clapped-out old rickshaw 5000km across India/ cycled to Paris etc. Essentially I had tried to fill my life to patch up this gaping big hole of deep unfulfillment.

So I started the actual IVF journey at the age of 42. I would say the decision found me rather than I made a decision because in reality it felt that I had no other choice in order to have a child. I’d already tried the adoption route both in the UK and in India. In the UK I was wrongly advised ‘not to bother’ possibly because I was single or because of my ethnicity but the whole process put me off and in India I couldn’t adopt because at the time they didn’t adopt to single women. By the time the law changed in India I was over the age limit.

How did friends and family respond?
Unusually, I only spoke to people after the decision was made. As much as I love my friends and family, I knew their answer would be “go do it/ you’ll be an amazing mum,” but I wanted to really think about what it would be like for me on my own without anyone else’s views persuading me. At the end of the day, whatever the result of this decision, I would have to live with it on my own.

Almost everyone else was supportive apart from one friend who was going through a particularly tricky situation with her stepdaughter and asked me if I was ‘crazy nuts.’ I told her I wouldn’t be able to see her much during my IVF because I just needed to be around a certain type of mate for that period. She understood!

I also got in touch with two particularly resilient friends. One who grew up in foster care and one ex-SBS commando who I knew would not give me tea and sympathy if and when the IVF failed but would tell me to stop crying and get on with it and go again. Both, interestingly, were men.

How did you put the plans in motion?
I searched online and saw that the London Womens Clinic looked large, reputable and was close by.

Initially I was looking for an Indian egg donor and an English sperm donor which would have reflected my past relationships. But there were no Indian egg donors so I had to swap the heritage and go Indian sperm donor and English egg. For my first two rounds I went with egg donors who were in their 30s and had similar educational qualifications but by the last round I decided to go young and I found a lovely-sounding 18 year old egg donor. I often think about her and wonder what made her do this.

I’ve never had a problem not using my own eggs. It was never about carrying on any genetic line for me, it was mainly about the opportunity to be a mum and to raise a child of my own, be that adoption or donor conceived.

I often look at Harry and wonder what his donors look like - whether they have the same expressive eyebrows as him or the same nose but it’s not a longing to look like him, it’s more awe and wonderment that someone did something so amazing to help me have my family.

The humility I felt and the thanks I have to both my donors is beyond any expression I can describe. It led me to in turn help a family fleeing the Ukraine war and a mum and her two kids and their grandma stayed with us for a few months this year. The kindness of my donors had a real ripple effect that I think will carry on for generations.

Anita and her Ukranian guests

Can you sum up the fertility journey to having a baby?
EMOTIONAL – LIKE AN ABSOLUTE ROLLERCOASTER. It’s the highest of highs (positive pregnancy test) and the absolute lowest of lows (suicidal when you miscarry or the implant doesn’t stick) and those highs and lows can be days or weeks apart. At times the journey feels slow and there is a constant ticking clock of doom behind you.

In the end I had three rounds of IVF – the first didn’t stick, the second was an early miscarriage and the third was Harry.

Harry and Atticus

Can you share a bit about the financial side?
All in for three rounds – 30K. It’s not cheap and the clinics clearly make a huge margin. I used up all of my savings and I knew that the third attempt would be the last for me. I simply didn’t have enough money to go again. I was lucky in that I didn’t need to borrow, but I know people who have remortgaged to get the funds.

Who was with you at the birth?
My amazing mum. And even if I did have a partner I still think I would have wanted her there. I understand why so many women want their mum at their side. There is just no understanding it if you haven’t experienced it.

In the end, I went with what was statistically safer for an older mum and baby and that was a planned C-section. The surgeon said it was a good decision as the umbilical cord was wrapped tight around his neck and had he gone down the birth canal like that we would have had a very different ending.

What does your home look like now?
I live in a house with a small garden in Greenwich. My parents initially moved down from Manchester and stayed with me until they found their own place five minute’s walk away. They are a daily part of Harry’s life which is brilliant and they are amazing grandparents.

My house is pretty organised and neat and every night Harry knows that we tidy things up together before we go to bed. I can’t afford to be messy because for me the biggest challenge is time! I am constantly running to keep up with work/Harry/parents/ friends so I have to be organised.

How (and when) do you plan to tell Harry about his origin story?
He already knows. We say he has a man and a woman donor and we celebrate his donor day (the day the sperm met the egg) every year. I have also sent anonymised letters to his donors through the clinic thanking them for what they have done.

I wrote Harry a little book which is essentially a love letter to him expressing how grateful I am that he is who he is. It’s aimed at 2-4 year olds and is called “If You Were Not You” published by Cranthorpe Millner. It’s been featured in Hello Magazine, Woman & Home and beyond. Harry is well used to coming to Waterstones bookshops and schools where I have talked about donor conception and our story.

I also write to him in a little ‘Letters to my son’ book of thoughts I’ve had through this journey, so that when he’s older he can understand some of my feelings and reasoning for going down this route.

Ultimately, I’ve always ended up thinking that the chance at life has to outweigh everything else.

Have you looked into donor siblings?
I haven’t and I’m torn as to whether or not to do it. I think he’s too young to understand the whole concept yet but maybe when he’s older. I don’t think it can really do any harm but I know there’s a lot of debate about whether or not to leave this up to the child to find out about when they grow up.

What’s the one thing you wish ‘conventional families’ understood about solo motherhood?
Can I be cheeky and give you two ?

1) That its ok to talk to me about it. We live in a society that is so fearful about being politically correct that even though people know some of our story they are so fearful of saying the wrong thing that they don’t say anything at all, so at times it can become awkward. It means that I have become super open about our story.

2) Solo motherhood or solo fatherhood is not the same as ‘flying solo’ for a weekend when your partner’s away. So many times I’ve heard people say “OMG I don’t know how you do it, my partner’s away on a stag weekend and I’ve been solo parenting all weekend!” And I think… yep that’s not the same.

Solo parenthood comes with a couple of heightened fears that I don’t think conventional families have to the very same extent. They are about what happens if something happens to you. In a conventional family, there is always another parent. And also the worry around being a single-income household.

Advice to anyone considering it?
I think its too private a decision for me to want to persuade anyone to do it or not but if you decide to do it then the best advice I can give is don’t delay. Maternal age matters in pregnancy.

The person in your life who deserves a shout-out and why.
My Mum. She’s 80 now and we have a lot of reflective conversations about life. I once asked her what she would want me to remember about her once she has passed and she answered, “that I always had your back, Anita.” At the time I told her that’s exactly what I would have said.

But now I realise the greatest gift my mum has given me is the ability and capacity to love my child as I do. As I go through the world I have realised that there are people who just simply don’t have the capability to love as wholeheartedly and as deeply as my mum. She has given me the ability to do that. No relationship, no adventure, no job will ever come above the love I have for Harry. And for that, I can’t thank her enough.

Order Anita’s book here and follow her life and adventures with Harry here.

---

See you next time, Nesters. If you like this post, hit the heart button (it helps it get seen by more people) and if you realllllllly like it, why not upgrade and become a paid subscriber? That way you’ll get all of my posts without any of the annoying paywalls.