What's it really like to have a baby on your own?
A new solo mum series! Plus, housesitting, Brighton Beach House and a new way to make fast, healthy meals - hurrah!
I’m just back from a little housesitting stint in West Sussex. I actually think this might be the new way to holiday as a solo parent. It’s so easy - you just load up the car and go. No hideous Gatwick Express trip at 5.30am. No car seat conundrums. No draining of your bank account. You just get a Tesco shop delivered to the door and carry on as normal, but in a better, bigger house. Best of all (for solo parents, at least) – you can invite friends to join you so you have some adult company while you’re away. Winning at life!
Anyway - this all leads me on nicely to a new, occasional thing I’m starting on Nesting. I get so many questions about being a solo mum - how do I juggle it all (because I’m amazing, obvs), how do I manage on a solo income (barely), how did I choose my sperm donor (gah), how much was IVF (double gah) - the list goes on.
SO, enter my new series – The Solo Mums. It’s not just for fellow solo mums – it’s for everyone. So whether you’re married, co-parenting, single, or somewhere in between – I hope you get something out of these interviews. These aren’t shiny ‘inspiration stories,’ they’re honest conversations about real-life logistics, emotions, IVF, finances and beyond – the stuff people seem to want to hear about but don’t like to ask.
First up is Genevieve Roberts, whose book Going Solo helped inspire me to do it myself. Enjoy!
THE SOLO MUMS… GENEVIEVE ROBERTS
At what age did you make the decision to become a solo mum?
I made the decision after a fertility test age 36. I was told my AMH levels were very low and it would be unlikely that I’d conceive traditionally. I’d had a miscarriage a couple of years earlier and was single. It was a huge decision but ultimately felt like a simple one: I couldn’t imagine not even trying to become a parent.
I was surprised by how supportive friends were - they knew how much I wanted to become a mum and see children grow up and make their way through the world.
My mum was initially concerned that I wasn’t choosing an easy path through life for myself. It was when I explained to her how hard I found not having children she understood and gave me her full support.
How did you put the plans in motion?
I went to another fertility clinic to get a second opinion on my options to conceive. I was keen to first try IUI, which is less intrusive than IVF, and they recommended a couple of rounds and then moving swiftly onto IVF if it didn’t work. This was nine years ago now (which feels incredible - I’ve become the cliched parent talking about how quickly time passes) and I didn’t know anyone else who was a solo parent, nor of any groups to join when I was trying to conceive.
How did you find your donor sperm? How much did you buy and why?
The clinic suggested a sperm bank. I logged on and was taken aback by the similarity to dating sites as I scanned through profiles (though with no flirting and a lot more family health history, far more than I’d ever asked a partner). I prioritised health. I was living in a flatshare with an Italian friend at the time and we looked through the site together - she was amazed because Italian law didn’t allow single women to choose to become solo parents.
Can you sum up the fertility journey to having a baby?
Astrid was conceived from my second round of IUI. I think I had five or six rounds of IUI to try to make Xavi (I can’t believe I’ve forgotten - that used to be etched on my brain) and then one round of IVF. There were two promising embryos, both put back in and I was hugely lucky that Xavi grew. Then, in a bit of a plot twist, I met Mark four years ago and we conceived Juno conventionally, with no medical assistance. I feel like I have three miracle children and will never take that for granted.
Can you share a bit about the financial side?
When I conceived Astrid, the country was financially much more optimistic than today; I’m looking forward to the cost of living crisis being firmly in the past. I spent my savings on fertility treatment and was very conscious of my salary so I could support both Astrid and Xavi, topping up with freelance work.
IUI is less expensive than IVF - at the time one round of treatment was £2,000 so conceiving Astrid would have cost between £5,000 and £6,000. Fertility treatment for Xavi was more expensive because it was a longer process (a lot of people will go straight for IVF so they have a store of embryos but for me trying IUI first felt right).
There will never be a better way to have spent my savings.
Who was with you at the birth?
My sister-in-law Jess was with me at both Astrid and Xavi’s birth.
I’d been hoping to have a water birth for Astrid with lots of essential oils - Jess joked that I was packing for a spa weekend rather than labour. I had a wonderfully supportive doula, Michele, too. It became clear quite quickly that Astrid was very comfortable inside (she was already a couple of weeks overdue) and my hippie instincts weren’t going to be fulfilled. The hospital agreed to a c-section after 24 hours and patients are allowed one person present to support. It was lucky I’d advocated so hard to be offered a c-section after the pessary induction; I was told afterwards that there was no way Astrid would have been a vaginal birth so it could easily have ended up as an emergency. It was Jess who cut both Astrid and Xavi’s cord.
What does your home look like now?
I moved home when I was heavily pregnant with Xavi, leaving London and my extended family to live by the sea in Sussex, near to Brighton.
It was an excellent decision: we moved before lockdown and had the joy of a garden and the seashore. We have more space for mess and our neighbours have become close friends. My middle child, particularly, isn’t a fan of crowds so I’m very pleased we live in an area where we don’t have to jostle for pavement space. The downside is being further from friends and extended family but it’s not too far for a day trip.
I’d love it if our home were always clean - it is today because we’ve just got home from holiday - but I seem to attract clutter. I do appreciate a tidy home though and we pay for a cleaner because I want more time to play with the children.
My worst chore, and a flashpoint between Mark and I, is folding clean laundry and putting it away. That laundry basket carries a lot of our resentments.
How (and when) do you plan to tell your child about their origin story?
I’ve been telling my children how they were conceived from before they could talk, using very simple language about mummy getting help to make a baby from a donor. I’ve always used the term eggs and sperm. Astrid is very proud of her conception; I’ve overheard her chatting to friends about it. I have to remind Xavi from time to time - he doesn’t remember a time before Mark was his dad - and I think it’s hugely important that he understands his origins and how that was a decision made with love.
Have you looked into donor siblings?
Yes, Astrid and Xavi have met Sawyer, who lives in Canada, and was conceived with the help of the same donor. They spent the afternoon together, playing on rides on Brighton Pier. We’re in touch with eight families across the world and 19 children all conceived using the same donor.
When I realised how many children could potentially be conceived using the same donor it worried me hugely. I had been told by the clinic that it was 10 families worldwide but this isn’t correct; the limit is 10 families in the UK. So far, though, Astrid sees this as the biggest plus in being donor conceived: she loves the idea that there are people she’s related to across the world. Even so, tighter regulation on the fertility industry worldwide is long overdue and I do think a tight limit worldwide makes a lot of sense.
What’s the one thing you wish ‘conventional families’ understood about solo motherhood?
I’m lucky that I live near Brighton where there are many solo parents and same sex couples who’ve used donor conception to become parents. I believe it’s really important that all children are taught about different ways to create families and that none are better than others, just different. I say this, but actually I had to teach my children about sex rather belatedly because I realised Astrid and Xavi thought all babies were conceived in clinics.
Most proud “I nailed it” moments?
This is such a good question. When I hear my children say something emotionally spot on or show empathy and kindness beyond their years, I feel really proud (though I don’t really know if I get to claim it or not). Also, when I travel solo with the children.
Advice to anyone considering it?
I knew how much I wanted to be a mum and how much love I had to give, what I didn’t know was how endlessly entertaining I’d find my children. I suspect most people considering becoming a solo parent have considered parenthood long and hard and are well equipped to cope. I think it’s worth remembering at 4am that sleep deprivation is a killer whether you’re solo or in a couple. I’d recommend getting in touch with other solo parents - I was delighted to find groups on Facebook once I’d had Astrid - as this support can prove invaluable.
The person in your life who deserves a shout-out and why.
I want to send love to my children - of course! And also to my sister-in-law: when she signed up to a relationship with my brother, I don’t think she’d have had any inkling that she’d end up helping new babies arrive in the world - nor going to a labour workshop where she had to give me a massage - we felt like teenagers, giggling away.
Genevieve Roberts is a former solo parent, now part of a blended family of five. She works as a freelance journalist, writing features and is the I paper’s parenting columnist.
Right, I’ve got a cat and two bunnies to feed! But before I go - a couple of very quick things.
Brighton Beach House
I’ve spoken before about my inability to quit Soho House. Well, I popped to the Brighton one on a day trip this weekend. I didn’t feel I was in England at all – the infinity pool, the sun on the water, the service. I remain shackled to the cult. Also, best fish and chips of my life, served with curry sauce.
Stocked
As I mentioned in a recent Telegraph article (hi trolls 👋) I find the summer holidays a little challenging. Part of this is because of all the food prep. So I’m trying out Stocked, something I saw on Dragons Den and thought was quite clever. Basically, blocks of healthy, frozen food that mean you can cook as much or as little as you need with minimum waste. I love that they give you a direct WhatsApp to the founder once you’ve ordered. Hi Sam!
Right - must dash - see you next time. Oh and if there are any questions you’d like me to ask in my next solo mum interview, just shout!
Dx