What's on your pre-holiday panic list?
Boots, bumbags and floaty shirts – plus the second interview in the new Solo Mum series!
I fly to Mallorca in a few days! Here’s what I do to prepare/panic before a holiday! Can you relate? Hope not.
Look for passports. Lose my mind when I can’t see them all immediately in The Drawer of Stuff. Find the lost one hiding under an envelope but feel emotionally drained. Have a lie down.
Check passport renewal date to see when I get another shot at a photo where I don’t look like someone Piers Morgan should be interviewing for Killer Women.
Ponder what the point of a passport photo is for babies. I don’t even recognise them and they are my own children.
Panic shop for new swimwear - realise there are only three swimming costumes left in M&S and they are all a size 20. Why do shops stop selling swimwear in August? It’s still summer! Very defeatist. Find flattering one in Next. Accept that black and ruched (what a word!) is now my best option.
Search through emails for flight confirmation. Wonder why the only things that come up when I type ‘British Airways’ into search are eVouchers from Covid Times and promotional gumph about Avios. Panic that I never actually booked flights last year and it was all a dream.
Find my booking after reinstalling the BA app and changing all my passwords. Feel intense rage about this.
Realise that although booking my plane ticket was not a dream, booking my airport parking was. Pay a premium to book it now. Feel even more rage about this.
Go to my local Boots without a fixed idea of what I need. Come away £200 poorer and with some baby clothes that are not for the holiday. The fact that Boots sells baby clothes is always a happy surprise!
Ponder why I still don’t have a Boots Advantage card (I know. I KNOW).
Start eating as though I’m already on holiday, because ‘it won’t make any difference now.’ Hello M&S chocolate flapjacks and Pho spring rolls.
Buy a floaty big shirt (nicer than it looks, promise) for over my swimming costume - despite already owning other floaty big shirts that would still be fine if I owned an iron.
Get a manicure. Endure the torture of 30 minutes without my phone. Get a pedi straight after so I can sit and scroll.
Call hairdresser. Beg her to do my roots – today. She can’t fit me in. Obviously.
Wonder why a raffia bumbag does not seem to exist (even though I’ve only
looked in M&S, today). Google it. Realise they do exist.
Be sad at my inability to plan ahead for anything, ever. Wonder when and if I’ll ever become a grown-up.
Pour myself a gin and tonic to get in the holiday spirit.
Anything I’ve missed? Pop yours into the handy comments box - sharing is caring!
NESTING… THE SOLO MUMS
Next up in my new series on solo motherhood is Rowan Lawton, managing director and literary agent at The Soho Agency, where she represents bestselling and award-winning authors of fiction and non-fiction. She lives near Market Harborough with her seven year-old daughter.
At what age did you make the decision to become a solo mum?
Quite early, at about 34/35. I’d been in a relationship for most of my 20s and had done plenty of dating since then, but most relationships in that period weren’t going past three months or they were complicated. I’d also had a termination when I was 31, entirely the right decision at the time, but it had really made me reflect on how much I wanted to have a child in the future and crucially, how I wanted to do it intentionally and not with the wrong person.
I had always had the idea of solo motherhood as a sort of back up option, I think my mum actually was the one who planted the seed. My parents had a friend in the 80s who had used a sperm donor to have a baby alone – it was all very hush hush at the time, but I distinctly remember my parents being very supportive and positive about it, so I think I was really lucky in that I always knew I’d have my family’s support.
Then at 34 I knew I really wanted a child and I basically felt ready in every way - apart from the fairly obvious one of not being with anyone I wanted to have a baby with! I thought I’d get my fertility checked out and just sort of feel my way – I’d heard about plenty of women who had a difficult time trying to conceive alone over 40 and I had a really strong sense that I didn’t want to tempt fate and leave it too late.
The fertility tests actually didn’t reveal anything like a dwindling egg reserve so, as far as you can ever know, it was actually fairly reassuring on that front. But somehow it was like I had then started down the path to solo motherhood and it kind of snowballed from there. I thought if I started relatively early then I’d have plenty of time if it wasn’t straightforward. Instead of feeling like a hypothetical back up plan it became Plan A. My family and friends were really supportive – I only had one or two people who questioned my doing it relatively early and asking why I didn’t ‘wait’ longer to meet someone I wanted to have a child with.
How did you find your donor sperm? How much did you buy and why?
I found the process of choosing donor sperm really strange and discombobulating. It really does feel a bit like internet dating and it was definitely quite a process to get to the right choice of donor. It brought up all sorts of emotions and I tied myself in knots at various stages trying to decide on my criteria. Ultimately though, I went for a donor who I thought would be someone I might be friends with in another life… someone I sensed might share my values, also who was tall (I’m very small!), clearly intelligent and with kind eyes.
Initially I used donor sperm from Cryobank in Denmark. My first round of IUI was with one donor, then the second round with another (there was a really tricky period when I was in the two-week wait after that round of treatment and I got an email from the clinic saying a baby using my donor had been born with a rare genetic condition – it was really stressful especially as they had emailed out of hours so I couldn’t even call the clinic to ask what it all meant). Then the third and final donor was from Xytex in the US. At the time in early 2017 the European banks weren’t screening for Ebola so the UK clinics couldn’t use that donor sperm. I bought more than one unit from this final US donor and the whole process of choosing him felt much healthier and thoughtful.
Can you sum up the fertility journey to having a baby?
Three rounds of IUI, own cycle but with ovulation trigger injection and progesterone the second time. Two rounds in Denmark and then a successful third round in the UK using imported sperm.
Can you share a bit about the financial side?
I think I spent about £10,000 in total, possibly a bit more. I wasn’t eligible for any treatment on the NHS so it was all done privately. I funded it myself with a lot of help from my best friend and my family.
Who was with you at the birth?
My mum was with me – just. I’d been induced and the hospital sent my mum home to rest overnight and then labour came on very fast and all started getting quite tricky and I was rushed in for an emergency c-section. The hospital had forgotten to ring my mum until the 11th hour so she only just made it into the theatre as my spinal block kicked in.
It was a fairly traumatic birth experience looking back but I was in a daze at the time. It definitely had an impact on my early experience of solo motherhood though. The first night I was alone in a side room with my daughter and she was screaming and I couldn’t lift her because of my section. Despite buzzing, it took what felt like an age to get help. I think the midwives were used to new mothers having their partners with them post-birth overnight so it felt pretty brutal and lonely.
What does your home look like now?
I moved out of London (though I still commute in for work) when I was pregnant for more space, to be near my family and for a different pace of life for my daughter. We live in a cottage which I own (very aware how fortunate that makes me – we have a bedroom each, a spare room, I have a study and we have a big garden). It’s in a village near Market Harborough and 10 minutes from my parents which is basically how my home and work life can work.
How (and when) do you plan to tell your child about their origin story?
There has never been a time when she hasn’t known, I’ve been telling her since she was born and she is seven now. We have lots of picture books about diverse families including about sperm donation and solo parent families and I try and seek out stories featuring single parents for her now, be it in books or in films etc.
We use the term donor at home, but sometimes my daughter struggles with that at school just because lots of other children don’t really understand what a donor is and she doesn’t always want to get into it (neither do I think she owes it to anyone to have to explain if she doesn’t want to) so sometimes she just tells people her dad is American and we don’t know him. She thinks her excellent attempts at a American accent are because she’s genetically 50% American!
Have you looked into donor siblings? Why/why not?
I feel pretty ambivalent about this whole issue to be honest. I worry about how my daughter will feel about this aspect when she is older and if and when she chooses to try to contact her donor when she is over 18. I am in a WhatsApp group with other parents of some of my daughter’s donor siblings (and have told her about them and she has seen the odd photo – she’s not that interested so far) but I’m quite quiet on the group and don’t engage much.
I think there are 13-14 kids in the group, and they are all over the world. I wanted to have the connection for medical reasons (in case of any issues) and so that if it feels important to my daughter in future she can have contact with some of her donor siblings, but right now it does not feel like a big part of our lives at all. My daughter is much more interested in and connected to her cousin, and my godchildren/ the other children of her godparents etc – people who are part of our lives already.
What’s the one thing you wish ‘conventional families’ understood about solo motherhood?
I’d definitely like them to teach their kids (and earlier) about the simple fact of how babies are made – i.e. sperm plus egg, plus warm tummy = baby – and crucially all the different family types. I think this would make quite a big difference to my daughter. Also, being a solo mum doesn’t mean we somehow think men (and dads) are lesser – I have had the odd partner of a friend or male colleague (in a previous more male-dominated company) clearly seem threatened somehow by my choice when it really isn’t a reflection on them at all.
The most valuable way to truly help me as a solo mum is to…
…. normalise it with your own children. And not to patronise me for being ‘brave’!
Most proud ‘I nailed it’ moments?
I think overall it’s that right now my daughter is happy and thriving and that somehow – on a good day – I make a big, full-time job 100 miles away and solo motherhood work without compromising on our relationship.
Advice to anyone considering it?
You definitely need a strong support network – it doesn’t need to be family but you need to know there are a couple of people who really have your back – both emotionally and practically. Someone who can pick them up from school when you’re stuck on a train, who can share their firsts with you… and who will love your child alongside you.
It’s a cliché but it really does take a village as a solo parent. And on a practical front, having a child or children is expensive. Not only is there the treatment, but then everything once they have arrived has to be paid for on one salary and that definitely can feel like a lot of pressure, so I think being realistic and thoughtful about finances is really wise.
The person in your life who deserves a shout-out and why?
My parents! They’re amazing, life wouldn’t work without them and they have the most wonderful relationship with my daughter which also feels quite particular to my being a solo mum.
Right! I better go and pack. Have a great week!
Dx
P.S
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Ooooo and 7) start binge eating chocolate two days before the holiday on the rationale it’s 1) too late now anyway and 2) im knackered from all the packing and need a treat …
Chuckled out loud when I read this!!! I thought this was only me !🤣 I relate to soo much of what you’ve just said and I would add …
1) after losing my passports every year I’ve now got 3 safe and absolutely important places for them but why are they are always in a 4th place I had forgotten about as my latest safe place?!
2) I always miss my queue call for passport control as I’m cooing over his chubby baby pictures and then feel really affronted that the immigration official doesn’t feel exactly the same way about how gorgeous my child is at passport baby stage AND current medium sized boy stage ?! Wtf?
3) why has Sainsburys started stocking their autumn wear at the start of August?! They have completely taken down their oversized swimming Cozzie cover up shirts !
4) leave shaving my legs to the morning of the flight to ensure the longest possible hair free status only to then leave for the airport looking like my legs have been on a date with sweeny todd
5) watch the u tube extract of Michael mcintyres ‘brits abroad’ vowing never to be one of those mums who slathers their kid in suncream and then sends them off to the pool with enough inflatables to send them safely across the atlantic but do exactly that anyway
6) think I have tonnes of room in the suitcase until just before leaving for the airport when i have to fit in all of those last minute emergency going out shoes you know you’ll never wear but JUST IN CASE …